I often found when I was obsessed with what I was eating that it was about self-denial and control. Then I realized the compulsion was controlling me, so I forced myself to eat healthy as a measure of control. Eventually I got to a place where I felt I could eat anything I wanted, so long as I exercised my ASS off. Obviously obsession isn't good, but that is the healthiest I've ever been, when I ate a lot but also really conditioned my body, "punishing" it with exercise. Cause, ya know, humans were meant to chase prey up and down the grassy plains but not on an empty stomach. Unfortunately, due to life stresses and injuries and stuff, I got off that path and am now just all over the place. My thyroid has gotten seriously fucked up in the process, swinging hypo and hyper. I'm glad you're taking steps to help yourself at the center; if for some reason you just can't get the help you need there anymore, I hope you're able to find a coping method that lets you get nutrition. I remember once collapsing out of a shower, my hands curling into a ball in shock, from lack of calories, and I didn't even realize I hadn't eaten in days and days. It's no fun. Sometimes I had to pretend I was pregnant and eating for the baby, b/c it was okay to nourish the baby, but not myself. Sometimes I had to hide goodies under my napkin and sneak them, pretend I wasn't actually eating chocolate or whatever. I actually took up cooking as a hobby and then often would make myself sit at the table until I ate what I'd cooked, b/c otherwise I would have put it in tupperware and let it rot in the fridge. So, I hear you and you are not alone. Food isn't the enemy and neither is fat; people-pleasing is what has us all trying to kill ourselves. *hugs*