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Romeo and Juliet weren't even this screwed ...
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Novel Translations, Doujinshi/Manga Scanslations
This is an exerpt from Hasha no Makyou (Novel #6) by Kuwabara Mizuna and Toujou Kazumi. EPIC f*cking ANGST. My heart bleeds everytime I see this scene, and it's even more painful in the written form, if that were possible.
=-=-=
The man gazed at the silent Takaya for a moment before asking, "Who do those cigarettes belong to? A friend?"
"Friend..." Takaya murmured before smiling bitterly and shaking his head. "No. Not a friend."
"Then...what?"
He turned the question over in his mind. Yes, what? What was he to Takaya?
(My...vassal...?)
That was certainly one answer—an answer for the part of him that was 'Kagetora,' perhaps. But what of Ougi Takaya? What was he then?
As Takaya stood there thinking, unable to come up with an answer, the man touched the heart of the question: "But it's someone very important to you?"
"Important?" Takaya repeated, startled. "Why should I give a damn about somebody like that? He could disappear tomorrow and I wouldn't even notice. It's not like I asked him to keep following me around—"
"..."
"...he's just using me anyway..." Takaya trailed off, eyes darkened with emotion falling to the floor. The man studied him carefully, but Takaya was silent, lost in his thoughts. After a moment, he suddenly smiled. "That's right, I am just being used, aren't I? They saw something that gave them an advantage and they took it."
The man eyed Takaya oddly as his shoulders shook with laughter and set the bottle in his hand down on the table.
"What is it?"
"I just felt really stupid all of a sudden. It's not like me thinking about it is going to change anything, is it? There's really no point in thinking about it at all."
"..."
"I actually thought he needed me, but the one he needs isn't me. It's Kagetora. Everything he said, everything he did, that was all for Kagetora. He just wants me to be a substitute for Kagetora. I am such a fucking moron. I can't believe I've been so stupid, it fucking pisses me off."
Maybe he wasn't as sober as he'd thought. The words kept pouring out, and he couldn't seem to get his feelings under control.
Tear drew glistening trails down Takaya's face beneath the hand that hid his eyes. Tears from laughter? the man wondered. Or from something else? Takaya continued to shake with mirth.
"I get it now. I'm just a substitute. Aren't I? I think I always knew it. I've been worrying over nothing all this time. It was all just me...all in my head." The tears were overtaking the laughter in his voice.
"I am such a fucking kid."
"..."
"He was protecting 'Kagetora,' and I knew it, but I wanted to believe he was doing it for me. When he was kind, when he trusted me, that was all for 'Kagetora.' I only pretended it was me because I'm a conceited idiot. I'm so stupid. I'm just a hopeless little punk! I start thinking I'm all that as soon as somebody indulges me a little... That's why...!" Bitterness filled his voice. "—I never should have let myself think it was anything else! Why did he have to be so desperate to protect me? Why did he have to be so kind? Why did he have to look at me like that? It made me think... it made me think... But none of it was for me..."
The man gazed at him in silence. Takaya panted for breath, shoulders shaking as he tried to calm himself, before slumping down on the sofa.
"Who are you speaking of?"
"..."
"The owner of these cigarettes?"
Takaya smiled tiredly at the question. "They only smell like him."
"How do you know?"
"..."
Takaya's face darkened in self-scorn, and he laughed again bitterly. "I'm such a kid that I start having all these stupid hopes as soon as somebody turns to look at me. I should've just left it alone, but I had to go and think, 'Maybe I can trust him. Maybe it'll be all right to open up to him...' Like an moron, I started messing my head up with all these useless thoughts. I was constantly terrified that he might throw me away... The truth is..."
"..."
"Why does he have to be so different?" Takaya closed his eyes. "Why did he have to go and get all torn up protecting a kid who's got nothing to give him? He was hiding all of that pain... He would've done anything to protect me, and it scared me. So I put up walls between us, I pushed him away, but he..."
"..."
"No matter how hard I pushed, he wouldn't leave. Anyone else would've just given up, but not him. He always came back. He was always there. And that terrified me, because I started to think that maybe he'll stay. Maybe I can trust him to guard my back. I could never trust anybody, always had to look for enemies from every direction, but it wears you down, you know?"
"..."
"I started to hope that maybe with him at my back I wouldn't have to be on my guard all the time...but at the same time it scared me so much—not of betrayal or being shot in the back..."
Takaya's gaze fixed on the window. "It wasn't betrayal that I was afraid of. Because if he wanted to cut me down from behind, I would've been all right with that. I'm not trying to sound like a tough guy or anything. It's just that if he was going to throw me away anyway, then betrayal wouldn't have mattered..."
"..."
The man gave no indication of agreement, only listened quietly as Takaya spoke. Takaya laughed again.
"It was enough for me just to have somebody there at my back... But he's such a fool that he wanted to protect me from everything."
"From...everything?"
"Yeah. All of me, from everything. Not like a shield, but..."
He saw the familiar face in his mind's eye.
"...like wings. Gigantic bird's wings. Enfolding me like...'here is safety.' No matter where I was, being inside those wings meant that nothing could hurt me. Like they were telling me, 'you'll never be cold again.' But I'm just a gutless punk, just a kid who can't stop wanting it all, and as soon as I felt that warmth I wanted to be inside it always... Because it's something I never had, so like an idiot I..."
Longed for it...
For the one who had appeared in his life offering it with both hands. The one he never wanted to leave. Never wanted to lose. Selfish as it was, arrogant as it was, he no longer knew how to live without it. That was why...!
"I can't go forward, and I can't go back! How could I have gotten this weak? Just because I had him there to protect me! I'm so afraid of being abandoned, of him vanishing...! No matter what he does to me, no matter what his reasons are, I can't let him go!"
Takaya shook, teeth gritted and fists clenched, unable now to hold back the wild outpouring of words and emotions.
"I can't understand him. He won't tell me anything... How the hell was I supposed to react, when I don't understand anything? All I saw was his pain and his suffering, and all I knew was that it was because of me...!"
Tears blurred his vision. He scowled fiercely, pressing his hands hard against his eyes, trying to hold them back. His chest felt pierced through by the arrow-sharp memories of that day, by the look in Naoe's eyes, full of accusation and hatred for a Takaya who could not understand his pain. Who could not understand the heart of a man whose own tears had drawn glistening trails down his cheeks as he pressed all his stifled, violent emotions into Takaya's lips, breathed them into his mouth.
Why couldn't he understand?
Who was Takaya to him?
What was it he'd been trying to make Takaya understand?
"...What do you want from me?" he asked the memory of Naoe, opening his eyes. "What was it you wanted me to do?"
"Hey..."
The man, sensing the strange shift in Takaya and realizing suddenly that Takaya was no longer speaking to him, half-stood.
"The things you said, the things you did, how was I supposed to respond? What did you want from me? What were you asking me for? Why do you hate me?!"
"Hey, what's—"
"What did I do to make you hate me?! I—no, it was never me, was it?! 'Kagetora' is the one you see, never me. I'm just a substitute for him, aren't I? It's all conceit, it's all arrogance, whatever I do! I'm always the one flailing about! Nothing I do matters!"
"Hey...!"
"I don't get you! Why won't you just tell me instead of holding it all in? I don't get anything! I can't...damn it! Damn all of this!"
The man shook Takaya lightly, and Takaya clutched at his arms, mind still caught in the turbulence of his emotions.
—How he needed something to cling to!
"...What should I do...?!"
He grasped at the arms around him with all his might, desperately trying to restrain his emotions as they shot from one violent extreme to the other. Desperately looking for an answer.
"What...should I..."
"..."
The man held Takaya's trembling shoulders, gazing at him silently as he sobbed. After a long moment, he finally answered calmly, "Keep thinking... Keep looking for your answers. You'll find them."
"..."
"He...is there for you. Just as you are there for him. Believe that you will not turn from each other, and keep thinking. Keep reaching for your answers. Don't look away."
Takaya's head lifted. The man gazed at him and into him, deeper than anyone ever had before.
"Whatever he is seeking, it is encompassed within your existence. I believe the fact that you are here means everything to him."
"..."
The man nodded quietly and smiled as Takaya met his gaze, face still wet with the tracks of his tears. Takaya closed his eyes once more, shutting the pain back in his chest as he murmured a name in silent longing.
(Naoe...)
I will be by your side. Always.
Yet he was not. He had left Takaya behind.
(Liar...)
=-=-=
More at Asphodels Haven
Novel Translations, Doujinshi/Manga Scanslations
Novel Translations, Doujinshi/Manga Scanslations
This is an exerpt from Hasha no Makyou (Novel #6) by Kuwabara Mizuna and Toujou Kazumi. EPIC f*cking ANGST. My heart bleeds everytime I see this scene, and it's even more painful in the written form, if that were possible.
=-=-=
The man gazed at the silent Takaya for a moment before asking, "Who do those cigarettes belong to? A friend?"
"Friend..." Takaya murmured before smiling bitterly and shaking his head. "No. Not a friend."
"Then...what?"
He turned the question over in his mind. Yes, what? What was he to Takaya?
(My...vassal...?)
That was certainly one answer—an answer for the part of him that was 'Kagetora,' perhaps. But what of Ougi Takaya? What was he then?
As Takaya stood there thinking, unable to come up with an answer, the man touched the heart of the question: "But it's someone very important to you?"
"Important?" Takaya repeated, startled. "Why should I give a damn about somebody like that? He could disappear tomorrow and I wouldn't even notice. It's not like I asked him to keep following me around—"
"..."
"...he's just using me anyway..." Takaya trailed off, eyes darkened with emotion falling to the floor. The man studied him carefully, but Takaya was silent, lost in his thoughts. After a moment, he suddenly smiled. "That's right, I am just being used, aren't I? They saw something that gave them an advantage and they took it."
The man eyed Takaya oddly as his shoulders shook with laughter and set the bottle in his hand down on the table.
"What is it?"
"I just felt really stupid all of a sudden. It's not like me thinking about it is going to change anything, is it? There's really no point in thinking about it at all."
"..."
"I actually thought he needed me, but the one he needs isn't me. It's Kagetora. Everything he said, everything he did, that was all for Kagetora. He just wants me to be a substitute for Kagetora. I am such a fucking moron. I can't believe I've been so stupid, it fucking pisses me off."
Maybe he wasn't as sober as he'd thought. The words kept pouring out, and he couldn't seem to get his feelings under control.
Tear drew glistening trails down Takaya's face beneath the hand that hid his eyes. Tears from laughter? the man wondered. Or from something else? Takaya continued to shake with mirth.
"I get it now. I'm just a substitute. Aren't I? I think I always knew it. I've been worrying over nothing all this time. It was all just me...all in my head." The tears were overtaking the laughter in his voice.
"I am such a fucking kid."
"..."
"He was protecting 'Kagetora,' and I knew it, but I wanted to believe he was doing it for me. When he was kind, when he trusted me, that was all for 'Kagetora.' I only pretended it was me because I'm a conceited idiot. I'm so stupid. I'm just a hopeless little punk! I start thinking I'm all that as soon as somebody indulges me a little... That's why...!" Bitterness filled his voice. "—I never should have let myself think it was anything else! Why did he have to be so desperate to protect me? Why did he have to be so kind? Why did he have to look at me like that? It made me think... it made me think... But none of it was for me..."
The man gazed at him in silence. Takaya panted for breath, shoulders shaking as he tried to calm himself, before slumping down on the sofa.
"Who are you speaking of?"
"..."
"The owner of these cigarettes?"
Takaya smiled tiredly at the question. "They only smell like him."
"How do you know?"
"..."
Takaya's face darkened in self-scorn, and he laughed again bitterly. "I'm such a kid that I start having all these stupid hopes as soon as somebody turns to look at me. I should've just left it alone, but I had to go and think, 'Maybe I can trust him. Maybe it'll be all right to open up to him...' Like an moron, I started messing my head up with all these useless thoughts. I was constantly terrified that he might throw me away... The truth is..."
"..."
"Why does he have to be so different?" Takaya closed his eyes. "Why did he have to go and get all torn up protecting a kid who's got nothing to give him? He was hiding all of that pain... He would've done anything to protect me, and it scared me. So I put up walls between us, I pushed him away, but he..."
"..."
"No matter how hard I pushed, he wouldn't leave. Anyone else would've just given up, but not him. He always came back. He was always there. And that terrified me, because I started to think that maybe he'll stay. Maybe I can trust him to guard my back. I could never trust anybody, always had to look for enemies from every direction, but it wears you down, you know?"
"..."
"I started to hope that maybe with him at my back I wouldn't have to be on my guard all the time...but at the same time it scared me so much—not of betrayal or being shot in the back..."
Takaya's gaze fixed on the window. "It wasn't betrayal that I was afraid of. Because if he wanted to cut me down from behind, I would've been all right with that. I'm not trying to sound like a tough guy or anything. It's just that if he was going to throw me away anyway, then betrayal wouldn't have mattered..."
"..."
The man gave no indication of agreement, only listened quietly as Takaya spoke. Takaya laughed again.
"It was enough for me just to have somebody there at my back... But he's such a fool that he wanted to protect me from everything."
"From...everything?"
"Yeah. All of me, from everything. Not like a shield, but..."
He saw the familiar face in his mind's eye.
"...like wings. Gigantic bird's wings. Enfolding me like...'here is safety.' No matter where I was, being inside those wings meant that nothing could hurt me. Like they were telling me, 'you'll never be cold again.' But I'm just a gutless punk, just a kid who can't stop wanting it all, and as soon as I felt that warmth I wanted to be inside it always... Because it's something I never had, so like an idiot I..."
Longed for it...
For the one who had appeared in his life offering it with both hands. The one he never wanted to leave. Never wanted to lose. Selfish as it was, arrogant as it was, he no longer knew how to live without it. That was why...!
"I can't go forward, and I can't go back! How could I have gotten this weak? Just because I had him there to protect me! I'm so afraid of being abandoned, of him vanishing...! No matter what he does to me, no matter what his reasons are, I can't let him go!"
Takaya shook, teeth gritted and fists clenched, unable now to hold back the wild outpouring of words and emotions.
"I can't understand him. He won't tell me anything... How the hell was I supposed to react, when I don't understand anything? All I saw was his pain and his suffering, and all I knew was that it was because of me...!"
Tears blurred his vision. He scowled fiercely, pressing his hands hard against his eyes, trying to hold them back. His chest felt pierced through by the arrow-sharp memories of that day, by the look in Naoe's eyes, full of accusation and hatred for a Takaya who could not understand his pain. Who could not understand the heart of a man whose own tears had drawn glistening trails down his cheeks as he pressed all his stifled, violent emotions into Takaya's lips, breathed them into his mouth.
Why couldn't he understand?
Who was Takaya to him?
What was it he'd been trying to make Takaya understand?
"...What do you want from me?" he asked the memory of Naoe, opening his eyes. "What was it you wanted me to do?"
"Hey..."
The man, sensing the strange shift in Takaya and realizing suddenly that Takaya was no longer speaking to him, half-stood.
"The things you said, the things you did, how was I supposed to respond? What did you want from me? What were you asking me for? Why do you hate me?!"
"Hey, what's—"
"What did I do to make you hate me?! I—no, it was never me, was it?! 'Kagetora' is the one you see, never me. I'm just a substitute for him, aren't I? It's all conceit, it's all arrogance, whatever I do! I'm always the one flailing about! Nothing I do matters!"
"Hey...!"
"I don't get you! Why won't you just tell me instead of holding it all in? I don't get anything! I can't...damn it! Damn all of this!"
The man shook Takaya lightly, and Takaya clutched at his arms, mind still caught in the turbulence of his emotions.
—How he needed something to cling to!
"...What should I do...?!"
He grasped at the arms around him with all his might, desperately trying to restrain his emotions as they shot from one violent extreme to the other. Desperately looking for an answer.
"What...should I..."
"..."
The man held Takaya's trembling shoulders, gazing at him silently as he sobbed. After a long moment, he finally answered calmly, "Keep thinking... Keep looking for your answers. You'll find them."
"..."
"He...is there for you. Just as you are there for him. Believe that you will not turn from each other, and keep thinking. Keep reaching for your answers. Don't look away."
Takaya's head lifted. The man gazed at him and into him, deeper than anyone ever had before.
"Whatever he is seeking, it is encompassed within your existence. I believe the fact that you are here means everything to him."
"..."
The man nodded quietly and smiled as Takaya met his gaze, face still wet with the tracks of his tears. Takaya closed his eyes once more, shutting the pain back in his chest as he murmured a name in silent longing.
(Naoe...)
I will be by your side. Always.
Yet he was not. He had left Takaya behind.
(Liar...)
=-=-=
More at Asphodels Haven
Novel Translations, Doujinshi/Manga Scanslations
great scene
i wonder if Kuwabara Mizuna was crying when she wrote Mirage of Blaze. ?_?
thanks for sharing XD