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Stay of execution
Nov. 10th, 2009 02:51 amMy insurance has decided to cover me for another day or two at the eating disorder center, which means I could be covered up to wednesday. My secret hope is that I get to stay through thursday morning so I can get another chance to try challenge breakfast since I couldn't go two weeks ago because of my unstable vital signs.
I watched the first half of the Branagh version of Hamlet in the wee hours of yesterday morning and it was amazingly good. I'm hoping to get to finish it this AM.
I'm in a huge funk because I ate my whole dinner last night (apple, green beans, 2 slices of pizza and soymilk). I feel like a horrible gutless fat piece of crap and I sooooooo want to skip breakfast this morning to make up for it. Before I do, though, I have to try some daily affirmations my CM wants me to use:
1. Being thin will not make me happy, only I can do that
2. I need to eat in order to have the energy to do what I love to do
3. It is not my voice telling me not to eat; it is ED who wants to control me forever
4. Two slices of pizza will not make me fat
5. I am an attractive person just as I am
Now to make myself believe all this shit ...
I watched the first half of the Branagh version of Hamlet in the wee hours of yesterday morning and it was amazingly good. I'm hoping to get to finish it this AM.
I'm in a huge funk because I ate my whole dinner last night (apple, green beans, 2 slices of pizza and soymilk). I feel like a horrible gutless fat piece of crap and I sooooooo want to skip breakfast this morning to make up for it. Before I do, though, I have to try some daily affirmations my CM wants me to use:
1. Being thin will not make me happy, only I can do that
2. I need to eat in order to have the energy to do what I love to do
3. It is not my voice telling me not to eat; it is ED who wants to control me forever
4. Two slices of pizza will not make me fat
5. I am an attractive person just as I am
Now to make myself believe all this shit ...
Update and piccies
Nov. 9th, 2009 04:08 amSo I've been about two weeks in residential eating disorder treatment and it is the wee hours of the morning on the day I probably (thanks to my s**t insurance) am getting the boot. To comemmorate this less than auspicious event:
Click for a bigger pic
Me with my fluffy hair:
I met a razor and the razor won:
My beautiful semi-new tattoo:
P.S.: Please add me to your prayers and well wishes not only for my recovery, but so that at least one of the 50 or so resumes I've plastered all over cyberspace will get a hit. Because, to be frank, my job is a huge reason I have this disorder in the first place.
Back in the big house
Nov. 3rd, 2009 02:37 amI'm back in residential treatment again, which is what I really need. But still, all the rules and personality conflicts and bureaucracy chafes on me. Finding it really hard to eat the food here. Not that it isn't good food, but it's kind of a power struggle. My vital signs are all whacked: a heart rate ranging from 43-133 and a blood pressure that's usually 75/45. Means they won't ever let me go on outing because of the liability. And of course there's the ever-present insurance demon breathing down my neck. *sigh*
life on the outside = ouch
Oct. 10th, 2009 06:29 pmAfter almost 5 weeks in a residential eating disorder treatment program, I'm finding that life back on the outside is not all I hoped it would be. It took me four days to relapse. I'm supposed to go back to work on Tuesday goddammit. Now why can't I keep my shit together?
