Kotoba no Renkinjutsushi ~ 言葉の錬金術師 ~

Hope all my peeps in the U.S. are having a bangin' Memorial Day weekend.

So today I am holed up inside, trying to avoid cleaning by staring at word documents and waiting for inspiration to strike. I am legit the slowest writer on the planet, as anyone who follows any of my fics can tell you. There have been so many times I have been tempted to just quit writing, but my latest fic is up to 22k 24k, and after that much work I'll be dipped in shit if I gave up now.

So I pounded out about 2k of porn yesterday, which is actually really good for me, so I should be feeling kinda good, but instead I'm in a funk.

We had our DPH survey at work a couple of weeks ago, and it didn't go too badly. My unit actually did very well. So now we can just get on with the business of running a nursing home without worrying about the big bad wolf coming and blowing our house in. Again, I should be feeling good.

The Bruins are going to the Eastern Conference Finals again, which is awesome, but makes me a little melancholic. My dad would have loved to see them wipe the ice with New York like they did last round. I still miss him and it's been ten years.

It's weird. I'm not actually depressed per se. It's just kind of a "bleh" attitude that comes from holing my antisocial ass inside all weekend and not having much human interaction.

All I can do is plow on, I guess. Beats the alternative.

I have always had a hard time turning down even the worst of jobs. Probably d/t poor self-esteem and the assumption that I better settle for the first job I'm offered for fear that I'll never get offered anything better. This morning I had to say no to a managerial position. One that was way too far away and at a facility that appears incredibly poorly run, understaffed and horribly disorganized. The kind of place that makes you fear for your nursing license. Even if it was a tolerable facility, the distance I would have to travel everyday would make it untenable.

But. I. Need. A. Fucking. Job.

Like yesterday.

But I know that if I take something like the above that I will run myself into the ground. And when I quit or get canned because I bit off more than I can chew, then I might not even have the benefit of unemployment.

Had an interview for a different position right here in Gloucester last Friday. It was at a facility that is the total opposite of the aforementioned scary one. I'm hoping to get some kind of offer out of that.

I've been trying to put my best foot forward since forcibly becoming a lady of leisure. But I've never been good at the whole 'stiff upper lip' thing.

I'm depressed, broke, undermedicated (prescriptions), overmedicated (booze), without health care (no insurance), unemployed, and I kind of hate the world right now.

And I can't decide which I'm more pissed off at; myself or everyone else.

Okay.
Lost my job. Stumbling around like a fool looking for a new one. Super depressed, eating disorder in full swing. Family being horrible.
That about covers it.

Okay, in the ongoing melodrama that is my life, which many of you are probably very sick of hearing about, I am once again at a job-related gridlock. And now it's time to, as one of my relations so delicately put it, shit or get off the pot.

I did an about face and turned down Somerville Hospital. I had a moment of clarity and realized I was uprooting myself for a guarantee of no more than 24 hours a week, and moving to one of the most expensive areas in New England. Done deal, glad I came to my senses.

So now I have been offered a position at a psychiatric hospital, 40 hours a week, at a tolerable rate of pay, in (of all places) Jamaica Plain. I also got a call yesterday from a coworker asking me if I wanted to switch bids at the nursing home with her. My unbenefitted 24 hour bid for her benefitted 32 hour bid. So I have a decision to make.

The decision is whether I want to stay here in this comfortable, cheap, small town where all my friends are, or whether I want to move back to the expensive urban setting where I don't know a single soul. It's also a decision about whether I want to stay doing my comfortable, predictable nursing home job for the indefinite future, or whether I want to move into acute care, with more chances for advancement and better pay. Part of me cares too much about what others think, and popular opinion would definitely consider me a loser for staying at the nursing home, no matter how content I am there. Several of my nursing instructors and classmates are of the opinion that nursing home nurses are not "real nurses," and I think some part of me believes that. But I love the relationships I have with my residents, and I would never be able to have those kind of relationships in the revolving-door atmosphere of acute care.

The decision is also whether I want to stay in the same area as my mother, or whether I want to get as far away from her as possible. The job in Jamaica Plain would get me away from her now, with a handy excuse for why I'm bailing on her. I question whether I have the guts to disconnect from her without the pretense of moving for a job. If I stay in this town, I'll probably continue living with her till spring. But when spring comes, will I really have the guts to move out, when I'm faces with her tears and my own guilt? The fact is that my mother can't continue living in her home without my assistance in the form of the rent I pay her. Sure, everybody say's that I'm not responsible for her, and they're right. But they're not facing the idea of being directly responsible for their retiree mother losing the roof over her head.

Either I move to a town near Jamaica Plain and set up shop within commuting distance of the hospital, and move dedicate my career to psychiatric nursing (a field I have a lot of interest in but not a whole lot of practical experience in, outside of school clinicals), or I make my home in Berlin for the indefinite future and continue my small town life and the nursing home job that I know I mostly enjoy. Either way, my job hunting is over.

I have (probably) until monday to turn this over in my head. It's gonna be a long weekend.

Eliot Hospital rejected me via snail mail yesterday afternoon (after telling me over the phone yesterday morning I was still a candidate). You figure out the logistics of that one. I also rejected my local hospital yesterday morning, which was really tough, considering some of my friends and several of my former teachers work there.
And this morning I get a call from Somervile Hospital asking me for an interview. Not the place I necessarily would have chosen, but a very desirable-sounding job nonetheless.
I kind of feel like I'm chasing my tail, but whatever.
And my mother is still prattling on about how I've ruined her life ...

God this weather makes me wanna crawl into bed and get out in time to vote in the next presidential election, but not before. Rainy, cold, windy, gray and other unflattering adjectives.

And work sucks. All the residents are sick with the cold. And last night there was two aides and me to take care of fifty people. Even the non-healthcare person has to see something wrong with that: fifty people who want cough syrup with only one person to pass it to them. It doesn't take a rocket scientist. My cool boss is back though. Maybe now all the idiots will stop talking smack about the poor woman when she's not around. None of them have the balls to say anything to her face.

I have a big honking exam on coronary artery disease, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and chronic bronchitis coming up this week, and I just can't seem to motivate myself to get to studying. I'd rather play radiata stories or write senseless analytical essays on various shounen-ai series. Actually, I wouldn't have to study as much if I didn't spend half my classtime writing senseless analytical essays on various shounen-ai series. I'll have to post my detailed dissertation on the "hotel room scene" from the Mirage of Blaze OVA sometime. It's MoB's fault I missed half of the COPD lecture. Naoe/Takaya has invaded my brain. And it's LOVELESS' fault I missed my CAD lecture. I was too freaking busy writing a rambling essay on why episode 12 sucked and how they could've made it something that didn't make their most dedicated fans want to retch. Okay, I 'm being a little harsh. It had its okay points, but by and large it was craptacular.

Oh, well. I have to go try and make my dogs poop in the pouring rain now.