Kotoba no Renkinjutsushi ~ 言葉の錬金術師 ~

Hope all my peeps in the U.S. are having a bangin' Memorial Day weekend.

So today I am holed up inside, trying to avoid cleaning by staring at word documents and waiting for inspiration to strike. I am legit the slowest writer on the planet, as anyone who follows any of my fics can tell you. There have been so many times I have been tempted to just quit writing, but my latest fic is up to 22k 24k, and after that much work I'll be dipped in shit if I gave up now.

So I pounded out about 2k of porn yesterday, which is actually really good for me, so I should be feeling kinda good, but instead I'm in a funk.

We had our DPH survey at work a couple of weeks ago, and it didn't go too badly. My unit actually did very well. So now we can just get on with the business of running a nursing home without worrying about the big bad wolf coming and blowing our house in. Again, I should be feeling good.

The Bruins are going to the Eastern Conference Finals again, which is awesome, but makes me a little melancholic. My dad would have loved to see them wipe the ice with New York like they did last round. I still miss him and it's been ten years.

It's weird. I'm not actually depressed per se. It's just kind of a "bleh" attitude that comes from holing my antisocial ass inside all weekend and not having much human interaction.

All I can do is plow on, I guess. Beats the alternative.

I have always had a hard time turning down even the worst of jobs. Probably d/t poor self-esteem and the assumption that I better settle for the first job I'm offered for fear that I'll never get offered anything better. This morning I had to say no to a managerial position. One that was way too far away and at a facility that appears incredibly poorly run, understaffed and horribly disorganized. The kind of place that makes you fear for your nursing license. Even if it was a tolerable facility, the distance I would have to travel everyday would make it untenable.

But. I. Need. A. Fucking. Job.

Like yesterday.

But I know that if I take something like the above that I will run myself into the ground. And when I quit or get canned because I bit off more than I can chew, then I might not even have the benefit of unemployment.

Had an interview for a different position right here in Gloucester last Friday. It was at a facility that is the total opposite of the aforementioned scary one. I'm hoping to get some kind of offer out of that.

I've been trying to put my best foot forward since forcibly becoming a lady of leisure. But I've never been good at the whole 'stiff upper lip' thing.

I'm depressed, broke, undermedicated (prescriptions), overmedicated (booze), without health care (no insurance), unemployed, and I kind of hate the world right now.

And I can't decide which I'm more pissed off at; myself or everyone else.

Okay.
Lost my job. Stumbling around like a fool looking for a new one. Super depressed, eating disorder in full swing. Family being horrible.
That about covers it.

And now the Rival Employer has just upped their offer. Holy shit. I'll be making almost 30 bucks an hour on the weekends. And 3 bucks more per hour base rate.
I told myself I wasn't going to bail out on the job I already accepted. It's a wonderful job at a wonderful facility, just not a wonderful paycheck. But I don't know if I can justify going with a job that is not only not on the shift I want, but offering way less money. All because I was too hasty and accepted the first offer that met my minimum requirement.
And in burning them, I'm going to feel like the world's biggest asshole.

My mission is to get so drunk tonight, that maybe I can forget the two horrible days I just had at work.

It is now over two months after I was given a bid on the evening shift, and I am still working 11-7.

Last night I pissed a supervisor off so bad, she reported me to the director of nursing, and I reported her too.

All I do is work and (try to) sleep.

I just need to survive two more weeks.