[fic] Blasphemer

[akainagi]

Title: Blasphemer
Author: akainagi
Genre/Pairing: Star Trek AOS, Kirk/McCoy
Rating: FRAO/NC-17
Summary: They won. So why is everything falling apart? Spawned by word wars over at jim_and_bones.



It should feel somewhat more sacrilegious than it does.

A race annihilated. A planet destroyed. Thousands of comrades dead, floating in the black. An entire armada decimated.

And here Jim is, being ground against the wall of his borrowed quarters, another man’s tongue down his throat. His best friend tastes of antiseptic and exhaustion, and the man’s dick is right there, hard against his hip.

It should feel blasphemous. Or wrong. Or right. Or something other than desperately, achingly empty. Jim has been wanting to do this for the better part of three years. And to have it happen now? Like this? He would sob in frustration if he wasn’t so busy moaning with need.

And he is moaning. And whimpering shamelessly in between wet, bruising kisses that are all teeth and tongue and aggression. Those skilled surgeon's hands are snaking up under Jim’s shirt, and then diving down to claw at the fastening of his pants and (fuck fuck fuck what are they doing?) suddenly that hand is hot and heavy around the length of him and that’s when he realizes that he needs to participate in this travesty as well.

He wrenches those too-clever hands away and does some divesting of his own. Button, zipper, a rough displacing of garments, and they are grinding again, bare skin to bare skin. Hisses and moans in his ear and teeth biting into his shoulder and he vaguely realizes that they haven’t said a single coherent word since entering the room and devouring each other, and that is not a good sign.

Nails digging into flesh, sex grinding against sex. Now those teeth are digging into the Jim's neck, right over the place where his pulse flutters wildly (and how is he going to explain that mark tomorrow?). But Jim shoves away thoughts of tomorrow or of the last three years and how he might be throwing it all away for a groping, desperate shag fueled by misery and loss.

His best friend growls against Jim's skin, teeth still digging into the younger man's flesh. It’s a hot, needy sound that wrenches something loose in Jim and then he’s coming with a strength that is almost painful. His orgasm is swift and ruthless and his knees nearly buckle from the intensity. But he’s being held up by the grinding desperate motion of his friend (please let them still be friends after this, he’d give up anything else if he can just keep that) who is coming against him with a wordless groan.

Jim's own harsh gasping breaths echo in his head, reverberating like a plucked string. Bones still has his face buried in Jim’s shoulder. They are coming down to reality with a jolt and a whimper. And Jim can feel the moment that his best friend tenses (in horror, in shame, in revulsion) against him and all he can think is what the fuck do I do now?

Comments

[abigail89.livejournal.com]

Awesome, bb! No matter how many fics I read about the aftermath, they're all amazing and full of the desperation to reclaim life. Yours has joined that august group.

What will Jim do?

[akainagi.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I heart depressing, desperate wall sex.
Hmmm. WWJD? WWBD? Hmmm ...

[hora-tio.livejournal.com]

oh poor jim. he can't win for losing. I would like to believe here in my little bubble world that everything will be fine. Bones will take one look at Jim's face and just know he can't be one more person to leave the boy. Okay maybe I could get by even if Bones has to step back from him for a bit- but sort of not really. Anyways I'm a first timer on your journal and have read through some of your entries. It's such a platitude but seriously it does get better as you get older. I speak from experience. I am bi-polar and was not correctly diagnosed until I was 39. I'm 49 now and can say with absolute certainty that it gets better with age. Maybe the problems don't really change but in general getting older gives you a different perspective. Things that I believed with absolutely no doubt when I was in my 20's and even early 30's don't even figure into the equation now. I thankfully have achieved that inner piece that comes with being in my 40's. Everyday I wake up and think yeah man its all good. So it sucks right now no two ways about it. But I believe you only have so much energy to go round each day-prioritise your needs and have at it. Seriously at the end of the day is it really worth the effort of trying to figure out why people behave the way they do. my dr. said You beat a dead horse it's still dead. Looking back I can see all the wasted energy worrying about crap that in the big picture didn't amount to anything. I know that the default is to disect every thought and feeling of yourself and others. motivations behind it all etc. But in doing so you are relinquishing that control you so value. I'm not saying don't work with your therapist by any means but perhaps you really need to just say a big
F.U. and get on with being you. You have an eatting disorder but it doesn't have to define who you become as person. Sorry I went on this tangent but the whole been there done that has given me perspective.Getting caught up in this being how you identify and define yourself can in of it self be exhausting. ah you know it's the whole only having so much energy thing. anyways I hope there is something I said that can bring you some comfort. please take care and if you want to you can stay in touch with me --or not, your choice

[akainagi.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading and for sharing your perspective.

I simultaneously endorse the happy bubble world version and the angsty world-implosion versions of this pairing. So much fun to play with and torture.

You echo alot of my current therapy goals, actually (it's kind of eerie). The whole working-on-the-present-and-not-dwelling-on-the-past-because-dwelling-is-totally-counterproductive. Thank you again for your thoughts.

[hora-tio.livejournal.com]

glad to hear from you. I know as an author it must be delightful to play with the boy's life. glad to hear the other stuff too. Feel free to contact anytime.

[sangueuk.livejournal.com]

Wow! this is so good!!!

How can I have not read anything by you before? Thank you, word wars!

[akainagi.livejournal.com]

*blushes* Thank you! I've only been writing these two starting recently. I'm a kirk/spock convert. It took a while, but I have seen the porn light.
And I'm addicted to word wars. So much fun.

[sangueuk.livejournal.com]

Well that's great news and I can't wait to read more Jim/Bones from you! \0//